The Ides of March...

March 15, 2012                                           Weight:  268 (-8)

Blogging is odd to me.  This is why I have put off starting one for a month now... I feel like I need to start each one with "Dear Diary"... and what sounds more lame than that... "Dear Blog".   

What fueled my thoughts for today:   After every cost center meeting I have with our COO and CEO, I always reflect on what kind of leader I want to be and what characteristics I need to improve upon. And of course, I process how the meeting went and how I responded to their leadership techniques.  I am amazed at times how so many managers use negative reinforcement as a means to "motivate" their staff...and how hard it is for to give a compliment.  I completely disagree with this method and have tried to lead by using the golden rule.  Some laugh, but I sleep better at night now, using this method.  

How this relates to my weight loss....
Well about 2 years ago, I finally convinced my family doctor to send me to a therapist for treatment for my anxiety.  After much discussion, she diagnosed me with Bipolar D/O and PTSD.   This was my lowest point.  I was finally forced to face my demons from my past and deal with my feelings.  I had become a person that I disliked very much. I was guarded, defensive, harsh at times, and yet so very sensitive inside that I'd take everything personally.  I knew who I really was and who I wanted to be, but was so clouded with anger and disdain.  I started taking different medications and within 7 months, I had gained 45 lbs. Within a year, 70lbs.  I felt very torn...and kept telling myself: Sanity over Vanity.  I was lying to myself... I missed my vanity.  


I have always been an overachiever and my weight has been the one thing I have always failed at.  Even in high school, I was always just a friend to guys....namely because of my weight.  The harsh rumors and comments only fueled my anger towards society and pushed me more into being an introvert.  Therapy helped me immensely.   I dealt with child molestation, rape,and eating disorders along with my relationships at work. The reason I make this all public is to also come completely clean about my past and possibly to maybe help someone else.  I know it was a HUGE secret and stigma for me.  I'm bipolar and that is ok.

I have been on a journey of self healing and I feel like this is a very significant moment for me.  I am feeling more and more empowered as I shed my emotional weight and my physical weight. 


I am proud of the person I am today.  I am empathic, compassionate, sensitive, driven, a great mother, and a very generous person.  Thanks to everyone who has sent me such lovely, supportive texts and messages. I love you all dearly.


Pro for the Day:  1st Support Group at the Weight Loss Center
Con: Said meeting regarding COO and CEO.  
Goal for tomorrow:  Aquacise and a visit to Greencastle to see the parents.